Satanic Panic: The Role-playing Game

By Ian Baaske

So, you're sitting in your living room in the evening. It's not real late. It's not super early. It's like, you know, nine o'clock or so. You've eaten dinner, you've washed the dishes. You're just doing whatever you do before you get ready for bed.

            I think I'd be reading. Probably not the Bible, not at night. Maybe like a popular novel. What year is it?

            1981.

            I'm thinking Clan of the Cave Bear.

            Oh yeah, that works. You said your character is named Cheryl Nevis, right?

            Yep.

            OK and you're a first level Church Mom?

            Yes.

            OK so you're reading Clan of the Cave Bear and you're starting to get really engrossed in the story. You're just totally sucked into the world of the book. But then there's this noise from upstairs.

            What kind of noise?

            Make a Divinity check.

            Seven. Well, I'm plus six so thirteen.

            You didn't quite catch it. You were just so into your book that you couldn't tell.

            But it came from upstairs? I'll put my book down and just listen. Who's upstairs?

            According to your back story, you have two sons. Kevin, who's eleven, right? And Keith who's fourteen. So it's Keith and his friend from next door. Uh..."Tadpole" is his name.

            Cute.

            He's kind of a dorky kid. But Keith and him are pretty tight.

            Kevin is sleeping over at a friend's night and your husband's out of town somewhere on business.

            That makes sense. He's a pilot so he travels all the time.

            So, Keith and Tadpole are upstairs.

            What are they doing?

            You're not sure. They told you they're going to play a game of some sort.

            What game?

            They didn't say.

            Do I know if they've been exposed to Dungeons and Dragons?

            You don't know for sure. But you do have some suspicions based on a story Keith wrote for English.

            What was it about?

            A dwarf who killed a troll that attacked his village.

            OK, I'm going to walk over by the stairs and listen.

            Roll Divinity again for me.

            ...17! Plus six is twenty-three.

            OK, you hear it for sure now. Really clear. It's a laugh. A high-pitched giggly, but honestly, kind of evil laugh.

            And it's not Keith or Tadpole?

            You don't think so. It doesn't sound like them.

            OK, I'm headed upstairs.

            OK, move your miniature onto the stairs.

            I'm pulling my crucifix necklace out of my flowery blouse. It's plus two.

            You get to the top of the stairs pretty quickly. But right as you get to the very top, the laughter just stops.

            Is Keith's door open?

            No.

            Listen at the door.

            You hear a weird kind of chanting.

            Evil?

            Yes, you'd say evil.

            OK, I'm opening the door and bursting in.

            You grip the handle in your hand but it's locked.

            Shoot. I'll knock and say, "Keith, open this door right now!"

            The chanting continues but nothing else happens.

            Is there anything in the hallway?

            Well, there's a hall table. And then three doors. The bathroom, your room and Kevin's room.

            What's on the hall table?

            There's an old-timey phone.

            Like a rotary?

            No, it's a touch tone.

            OK, I want to pick it up. Is it connected to anything?

            Yes, there's a thin cable that connects it to the wall.

            Can I yank it out?

            Make a strength check. I mean, you can just disconnect it, too.

            Oh, OK.

            The chanting is getting louder...

            So, I'll disconnect the phone from the wall and I just want to smash it on the locked door handle.

            Wow. OK, now make that strength check.

            Does the crucifix help me?

            If you spend a piety point.

            I'll do it...22!

            The handle is crushed under the weight of the phone and the door swings open.

            What do I see?!

            Keith and Tadpole are sitting on the floor. They've got a mat between them with what looks like a diorama of fantasy creatures in a labyrinth.

            Dungeons and Dragons!

            You think so, yeah. They've got papers and pencils and rulebooks all around them. The cover of one of the books is a picture of a giant red demon with a curved sword in one hand and a beautiful almost-naked blonde girl in the other.

            What about the chanting? Where's that coming from?

            From both of them. Their eyes are glazed and there are spinning spirals in the place of their pupils.

            What are they saying?

            It's not a language you know.

            I'm going to run into the room and grab them both by the shoulders.

            There's a red impish thing hovering in the air between them. It's flapping these veiny bat wings. Roll initiative!

            Fourteen.

            OK, you go first.

            I'm going it whack it with my crucifix.

            Roll it.

            Ummm...20!

            A crit!

            Woo hoo!

            Roll damage.

            Eight plus...another four.

            Oh wow, so you smack the thing and it goes tumbling backwards.

            I'm gonna--

            Wait, it's his turn. He's going to fly out the open bedroom window.

            I'll run to the window after him.

            As you get to the window, you see him hovering just outside. It's a dark but there's a big crescent moon behind him. He chucks this crackling ball of fire at you--

            No!

            Does 18 hit?

            Darn it. Yes.

            OK take 4 damage. It singes the left sleeve of your flowered blouse and burns your skin.

            I'll throw the phone at him.

            Roll...

            A four. Ugh.

            It soars past him and lands with a crunch on your front lawn's grass. He smiles at you.

            OK. I'll step back and slide the window shut. And lock it.

            Just as you do, he lobs another fireball at you. It smacks up against the glass and then bounces away out of sight.

            What are the boys doing?

            They're snapping out of it. They look really confused. They're looking at the miniatures and their papers and they really have no idea what any of it is.

            I'm going to pat them each on the shoulder and say, "Wait here, guys." Then I'm going to run downstairs and out the front door.

            All right, move your miniature. You're out on your front porch. You can see the fireball still smoking but mostly extinguished on the sidewalk.

            I want to look around. Is anybody else outside? Any neighbors or anything? Has anybody heard any of this?

            So, when you look around, you see imps all down the block. They're pulsing a reddish color in the night sky. They're flying, divebombing, cackling, throwing fireballs at your neighbor's windows.

            Oh my god.

            Before you can do anything else, you hear a voice behind you. "Cheryl?"

            I'll turn around. But holding my crucifix tight.

            It's your neighbor, Larry. He's a chubby guy, balding, in striped pajamas. But he's holding a fireplace poker. Behind him is Martha with wild frizzy hair who lives with her mother. She's got a tight grip on a kitchen knife. Next to her is old Dr. Weathers, clutching a double-barreled shotgun. He's still in his suit though the tie's gone and the collar is open. He pushes his glasses up his nose.

            I guess this is my party.

            Larry looks at you and says, "Cheryl. We're going to try to fight off these imps long enough to get to the church and find Father Mike." His mouth sets in a determined grimace as he holds out his hand. "Are you in?"

—

About Author

Ian Baaske’s work has appeared in Bellevue Literary Review, Baltimore Review, Pacifica Review, and
Emrys Journal Online and is scheduled to appear in Asimov’s Science Fiction. He lives in the Chicago suburbs with his family and writes at night when everyone else is asleep. You can find Ian on instagram @_ilo or on his website.