Field Research

By Nadia Yasmin

The coke fizzes when you open it on dates, fizzes happily even though you’re not sure you want this to go anywhere even though this is all new, completely out of your wheelhouse, the small talk feeling sandy in your throat, they ask you when was your last relationship and you demur, recent, you say, and don’t answer when they pause, they ask you how long it was and you demur, long, you say, really the truth is it was four years, the length of an education and you don’t know what your world is like now beyond coke and sharing fries with men who don’t know anything about you, who don’t even know your last name because you don’t have it listed on your profile, who chew loudly and stare at you and their eyes go lower than you want them to but this is what dating is now, right, the meat market, you wore a low cut shirt for a reason and when this most recent one makes you laugh you’re too surprised to feel happy, sure there’s a catch somewhere, you’ve decided it’s much easier to assume you will not be loved, it seems fair, you think of your ex-boyfriend who said you were too serious and your ex-boyfriend who complained you didn't want to have sex and this most recent ex boyfriend who loved you purely and deeply, who did not pressure you, who you ended things with for reasons you can’t explain to anyone besides that he called forks “forksies” and you just could not imagine sleeping in the same bed with him for the next fifty years of your life, well now you have proven the thesis, unlovable by men you want, unable to be happy with men who want you, it’d be easier to give up than anything else, when this most recent one makes you laugh you forget to assess his wrinkled button down shirt, the little bit of ketchup on his collar, you look into his eyes and think maybe he’s the one but you go home alone and that feels like you deserve it, too

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Nadia Yasmin

She is a writer living in Brooklyn, New York. Her work has appeared in Cleaver Magazine and The Pennsylvania Gazette. You can find Nadia on Twitter & Instagram @wordsbynadia__.